So, I have been out on a medical leave since late in November because of PTSD issues and anxiety. And I really have a hard time dealing with the medical stuff because of all the appointments they want me to go to and I just can’t keep up with any of it because whenever they schedule me appointments, I forget about them. Uh, depression/anxiety?
I went to see the nurse practitioner that I’ve been seeing since November for this anxiety problem and I talked to her about what was going on because I don’t want to continue this fake life. I tried to get her to understand what it is I am trying to do. All she heard was “I smoke pot and I don’t want to work, I’m overweight and don’t want to do anything about it” when I had actually told her that I believe I have an eating disorder because after doing keto last year (2018) I had a good hard look at my relationship with food and it’s an awful one, but what about the part that is a disorder and nearly uncontrollable?
I asked her why she hasn’t done more why don’t you care more about people who feel like they’re about to die like I’m not in here fucking talking to you about anything other than that and you are sitting here telling me oh you think I was high last time I came in so you don’t want to see me anymore and then tell me that plenty of other people are going through the same thing as me but they’re still working which you don’t know anything about me lady, so don’t fucking talk to me about what you think you know what I’m doing because I’m sure you think I’m just sitting around in the house all day doing fucking nothing which is not even close to the truth.
Anyway this lady then tells me that it’s now my responsibility to find a psychiatrist even though she was supposed to be sending out a referral for one because they never contacted me it’s now my responsibility and that’s it.
Day before yesterday I went to go in there with the confidence of a person who knows that they can tell this doctor to shut the fuck up and this lady still fucking made me feel like a tiny piece of shit. Why on earth would you choose a profession and then make choices that could be pushing someone to end their life? If that doesn’t scare you as much as police possibly shooting you, idk what you’re afraid of.
So. The American medical model says take care of yourself, make sure you’re healthy because if you’re not healthy, you can’t do all the things. You can’t take care of your kids if you’re not healthy you can’t. Work if you’re not healthy, you can’t go on vacation if you’re not healthy. But don’t look for help if you need it, because then you’re a degenerate and deserve to be treated as such.
What is health?
Because as far as I know I’ve been pretty fucking healthy doctors tell me wow you’re overweight but all of your scans come back perfect like they’re really good like even low cholesterol, you don’t have too much of this you’re not diabetic you’re like doing really good what are you doing and I’m like I don’t fucking know binge eating all the time and hella depressed like okay, then I started looking into that why are doctors telling me this kind of stuff what the fuck is going on I looked it up and turns out that there’s a such thing as a fucking healthy fat person and a like a unhealthy skinny person so sometimes people’s metabolisms create their selves to be a very skinny person and no matter what they eat or consume they still maintain that skinny figure. But they’re not healthy people they are literally like dying on the inside because they don’t actually put nutrition in their body they are putting gross stuff in their body like monsters for six hours and then fuck a potato chips, you know, and then when they get home they eat a huge carb heavy dinner and go to bed a couple hours later so.
I’m not doing that kind of stuff and sometimes I do but like most times I choose not to and when my panels come back they show that I am not an unhealthy person. I am just fat. So fuck that lady.
In any case, I think the American Health System is awful.
It’s awful because shit like this is allowed to happen like how is it that someone can send off a referral and then all of a sudden it’s the patient’s responsibility to track that shit down and make sure that they get an appointment. Okay, now it’s my responsibility, but fuck dude because she could have given me the fucking number in DECEMBER. But she told me they would contact me, better yet, she could have sent the fuckihng referral in November when I first came into see her instead of focusing on me being overweight.
What the fuck is wrong with people?
One of the things I thought about doing last night besides killing myself (this is the main reason I’m FREAKING THE FUCK OUT YALL!!!!!!!) was filing a complaint against this nurse practitioner because she’s awful… She’s going to make a bunch of people feel really like shit and she’s going to lead someone to fucking kill themselves because she’s so awful.
How do you get into a profession where you’re actually supposed to be helping people but you’re actually making things worse for them? I don’t understand that at all and I get it they’re going to sit there sit around and think that it is all about money but it’s not this was about my health that nobody else is taking seriously.
So, The American Health System is broken. And I’m a part of it. I became a statistic when I was born because of PTSD and depression. I was a statistic as a child because of depression and Being overweight which was probably a combination of environment and depression and….yep… you guessed it, PTSD.
And you really when you go out into the world and feel like you know a little bit of stuff and then are made to feel Really tiny by certain people. It’s so strange to me that I cannot be strong enough for myself to prevent people like that for hurting me. But if it was my friend I would have completely gone off. Currently I am up but exhausted. I keep having full body flashes of having punched or screamed at that lady. Then I cry because I feel so completely helpless.
The county I live in is no better because their mental health services are very much lacking and I’m really scared that I’m not going to get any help. The NP told me to get a counselor, I was like what?! The only reason I came in here in the first place is because I’m talking to a therapist.
I’m really scared because I’m already close to that point where? I don’t know if I’m going to be able to come back.
And it really fucking scares me. But this is the world I live in.
When I was a kid, I was promised all these things. They never fucking happened. “Go to work, get healthcare” the only part anyone focuses on is the “Go to work” part, and they didn’t make healthcare better, contrary, it’s probably killing millions.
Our global economy might collapse and with that goes the healthcare because it’s part of the economy so the thing is, when the health care part of the economy collapses it won’t be any different than it is now the only people that will feel the difference are the people that are able to pay for healthcare that actually fucking cares for their health.
Oh that you believe that shit changes when they feel the impact but. Fuck everybody else, right?
Do you have any medical stories that you’d like to share? I may feature it in my next podcast, where I am definitely venting about this some more. I can’t wait to hear from you!
I love you, beautiful human.